Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
