I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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