ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Oh god it's open bar.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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