I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
