I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
