that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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