I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
