I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
