just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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