I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
