Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I don't want my vagina anymore.
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