I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
