Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
