saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
