he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
