yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
