Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
