I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
