Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
