if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
