If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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