She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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