It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
