so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i think my cat just said my name.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
