Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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