I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Randomize
