Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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