i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
