I wish I only lived at night.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
