I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
