So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
