i love accidental penises.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
