Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Randomize
