Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
