I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
