I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize