Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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