She tied me up with her honor cords...
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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