She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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