And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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