His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
