I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
try to milk me bitch
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