I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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