The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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