We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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