i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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