I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the condom got lost in my hair
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
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