I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Randomize
