I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
