areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
