my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I cut my penus on the lid.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
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