What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
