Already got asked if we're dating
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
