if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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