forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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