i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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