Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
