you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
