well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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