i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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