Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
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