Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
